How To Avoid Fooling Yourself

Have you ever come up with really good reasons to avoid doing what you know you should? Or have you ever wanted something to be true, so much so that you noticed things that confirmed your belief while ignoring things that contradicted it? 

I’ve been guilty of both of these dynamics—more than once. And even now, I am sure that I dupe myself regularly without my knowing it. If you’re human, I’d wager that you do too. Does this mean that we’re condemned to perpetual error? Not necessarily, although knowing the human tendency toward self-deception gives us a reason for humility. 

Here’s one way forward: we are less likely to fool ourselves if we are more skeptical of our first response. Your instinctive answer, especially to difficult, open-ended questions, is often not your best or truest answer. Think of how you answer the question, “How are you?” Much can be concealed behind the answer “Fine.” Or when I ask a new client, “What’s your vision for your life?” their first reply is often a well-rehearsed, safe response. 

One of my favorite ways to dig deeper is to ask, “And what else?” or some variation of it. I learned this tool from Michael Bungay Stanier’s excellent book The Coaching Habit. Asking, “And what else is your vision?” or “What else would you love to have in your life?” gets clients to more meaningful and emotionally rich answers. And after the response, “Fine,” if I ask, “Tell me more about that?” or “Glad to hear you are fine. How else are you doing today? What else are you feeling?” the conversation almost always takes off. Or it becomes temporarily awkward—but it’s worth the risk. Asking, “And what else?” again and again is a powerful way to get beyond a surface level response. 

After fanning outward into multiple possibilities, we can drill down to the truth. The word “real” is useful here. Michael Bungay Stanier’s version of this is, “What’s the real challenge here for you?” Or think of how different the question, “How are you really?” lands compared to the usual version. And after brainstorming several possible directions, I might ask a client, “Based on all we’ve covered so far, what’s your vision really? What would be most transformative?” All of these are ways of funneling down to a clearer view of reality. 

Here’s an example of how you might apply this process to taking action:

What’s a good next step for me to take today? And what else? And what else? And what else? (Ask at least three times, or better yet, until you run out of answers.) What’s a good next step for me to take today, really? 

And here’s an example of how you might apply the process to a relationship: 

What’s challenging for me in this relationship? And what else? And what else? (Ask at least three times, or better yet, until you run out of answers.) In light of all this, what’s the real challenge for me in this relationship? 

And to limiting beliefs: 

What limiting belief is holding me back? And what else? And what else? (Ask at least three times, or better yet, until you run out of answers.) What limiting belief is holding me back, really? 

This week, I invite you to ask more questions:

What question is important to me right now? And what else—what other question is important to me right now? And what else? And what else? (Ask at least three times, or better yet, until you run out of answers.) What question is important to me right now, really? 

What is my answer to this question? And what else? And what else? And what else? (Ask at least three times, or better yet, until you run out of answers.) What is my answer to this question, really? 

God bless,
Dan