A Question That Stings
“What was more important than doing what you said you would?” When I ask this question of my coaching clients, I’ve often gotten reactions like, “Ouch, that one stings,” or “Man, that one hurts.” Although this question can be uncomfortable, I’ve found it powerful for understanding and owning competing commitments.
In the book, How the Way We Talk Can Change the Way We Work, the authors explain that blame is a normal human response to broken commitments. Say we are late for a meeting. When asked why, we might instinctively blame things like the traffic, or forgetting to set an alarm, or an interruption by a chatty neighbor. The problem with blame is that it doesn’t open up possibilities for change. “Lay the blame, stay the same” is a fitting expression.
If instead we slow down and ask ourselves, “What was more important than doing what I said I would?” (in this case being on time for the meeting), we are able to uncover competing commitments that got in the way of keeping our original commitment. In the above example of the missed appointment, here are some hypothetical scenarios of how it might play out:
I was more committed to the comfort of coffee. Rather than leaving five minutes early, I chose to cut it close to in order to finish brewing my cup, and went out the door with just exactly enough time to arrive for the meeting.
I was more committed to being right about my self-image. Rather than submit myself to the discipline of setting alarms, I chose to rely on my “good memory” and forgot.
I was more committed to “people pleasing.” Rather than risk offending my neighbor with the request to leave and catch up later, I chose to listen and leave late.
Sometimes, we discover that our competing commitments are in alignment with who we want to be. Other times, we see that they are not. At the very least, we get a more honest picture of what’s really going on. More often, though, we notice a competing commitment and decide it’s time to change.
This week, I invite you to think of a time when you didn’t keep your word (to yourself or to someone else) and examine:
What might I be tempted to blame for not keeping my word? What was actually more important than doing what I said I would?
God bless,
Dan
